George is male and uses he/his pronouns. He is bicurious, but only desires a partnership with someone who identifies as a woman. He was previously monogamous and is now polyamorous. He is in an ethically non-monogamous (ENM) relationship with one female partner and is also in the lifestyle. While waiting for coffee to be served up, George asks me how he can get rid of his guilt as it was getting in the way of he and his partner’s relationship. Initially I quipped, “Do you have anything to feel guilty about?” Although a reflective quip, I was genuinely curious as to what was behind the guilt. Well, the following was revealed during and after this caffeine inspired dialogue.

George and his partner, Kate, had been together 6 years. Kate is polyamorous and has been with her other partner about 5 years. George knew his partner was polyamorous and believed he had the ability to also be polyamorous. George wanted to explore this side through the lifestyle, of which they were both a part. His partner, Kate, said she wanted to be more active in the lifestyle, but was not ready for George to have another romantic partner or metamour. George had assured her that he was not looking for a metamour or someone to love and that he only loved her. He asked out loud whether saying that to her was ever enough to reassure her that he would not develop feelings for another person.

I, very nicely I might add, interrupted George, “George, you can’t promise her you won’t catch a feeling.”

George disagreed. “I am in full control of my emotions and I will not develop feelings for someone else.” “She doesn’t believe me, appears angry to me, and doubts my love for her.” George continued, “this makes me feel guilty and I don’t want to go out with anyone. If she wasn’t so angry, I wouldn’t feel so guilty.”

“Are you sure she’s angry”, I asked? I then proposed that she may look angry, but the feeling or feelings behind what he is seeing could be a multitude of emotions including pretty intense anxiety as well as low self-esteem and sadness contributing to depression (little d, not necessarily big D Clinical Depression). I suggested that his ‘going out’ was somehow threatening to her.

Exasperated, George exclaimed, “But I told her not to worry. I even promised her that I wouldn’t develop feelings for someone else.”

“Can you ever promise something like that? Can you make a promise that you won’t catch liking or even loving someone else?” I asked.

So George was experiencing real guilt in response to what he perceived as anger. Whether he should or shouldn’t feel guilt is almost a moot point, he does. What should you do if you feel guilty in reaction to what you believe is a healthy drive for you? What if your partner says they are even in agreement with your goals, yet you still sense they are angry and as a result, you feel guilty?

The first step is to recognize that guilt is a human emotion that we are all capable of feeling. Yes, it tends to be one of the uglier emotions, but there you have it, if you’re human, you’ve probably felt guilty at some point in time. The guilt itself, may or may not have been justified.

Now, is guilt, the emotion, the best response to George’s situation? George will likely ask himself:

1. Did I communicate my desires in an appropriate way that was understood?
2. Once understood, was there agreement about boundaries between me and my partner?
3. Have I made any promises I can’t keep?
4. Are my feelings of guilt in response to someone else’s perceived reaction of anger? Is my guilt a reasonable response?
5. Have there been any boundary violations?

Of course there are many more questions to ponder; guilt is a complex emotion that provides many avenues for self-reflection, self-exploration, as well as paths to personal and relationship and growth. And remember, as with George, feeling guilty doesn’t always mean you’ve done something wrong.

Talk to your partner.