If you are in the lifestyle, particularly as a couple, I bet the issue of “fairness” has come up in one way, shape or form, particularly if playing separately. Common things that get thrown in the make-it-fair pile include frequency of dates/sex outside the relationship, number/frequency of texting, type of interactions, where to find play dates, and content of texting. For example, Lamar likes to take his play dates to dinner and drinks or even take a hike with a partner before playing. He wants a strong connection with his potential play partner. Lisa, his primary partner, also in the lifestyle wants a connection, but it doesn’t need to be deep. She wishes Lamar didn’t want a “deep” connection with his partners as this feels threatening to their own close emotional relationship. On the other hand, Lamar wishes it wasn’t so easy for Liza to get dates. They initially agreed that they would set aside one night per week to see others. However, frequently they Lamar and Liza can’t coordinate dates on the same night causing them to potentially miss 2 nights per week with each other. Also, Liza has many more opportunities to go out, experience their shared value of variety and novelty, and this eats a little at Lamar’s self-esteem. Lamar and Liza will need to negotiate what is fair. Read on.
If you’re like a lot of couples, you don’t know about fairness issues until they come up. Also, keep in mind that the limits or boundaries you set today may not be static, but instead dynamic. Limits can grow and change together as a couple and individually. For instance, the rule of seeing a potential play partner once per week on Thursdays may be difficult to live by in the real world. What if the play partner, Kelly, is a friend who had a crisis at the last moment and wanted to switch to a difference day? Is it a flat “no?” Can you see Kelly twice the following week?
What is fair?
Fairness is focused on the needs of the relationship versus the needs of the individual. In a relationship, you may want everything equal or what you may term “fair.” The problem is that in a healthy relationship, things can be fair, but they are not necessarily equal. Fairness means treating people according to their needs whereas equal or equality means treating everyone the same. Let’s go back to Lamar. Would it be fair for Liza to go out two nights per week versus their agreed one night due to situational issues beyond her control? In this scenario, they are attempting to make things equal by establishing a one play date a week rule. However, there are a multitude of factors to consider when making things fair or even attempting to make it equal. The rule would be fair if it were taking into account individual needs.
Each of you has different needs and different strengths. For example, Lamar handles all the luggage when he and Liza go on trips. He likes the lifting and it makes him feel like he’s taking care of Liza. Liza ensures that that luggage is packed with necessary items and provides a packing list. So, in this situation it may be fair, but it’s not necessarily equal. In this situation. Liza and Lamar have assessed their strengths and went with them. On the other hand, if we were talking about things being equal, the heavy lifting and the organizational activity would have been equally shared. I think most of us would argue that in many cases, forcing “equality” can actually be unhealthy in a relationship. So perhaps it is fair that Lamar does all the heavy lifting and this case he does an activity that helps him contribute and feel capable. Liza’s strengths fall under her ability to organize and plan and she enjoys this activity.
Do you have concerns about negotiating fairness? Contact Dr. Patricia Babin at knowthyselfintimately.com
